President's Message: Empathy

by Dr. Blanche Podhajski

I did not blog last month because December was a blur. I was away with family for the holidays and, like everyone, my thoughts were preoccupied with the tragic events in Sandy Hook.  Our hearts go out to the families and survivors whose memories are forever changed.  Those of us who work in schools and clinics know what little six and seven year old children are like in December.  Their exuberance and joy are palpable.  Their loss deprives us all.  May we honor their memory by being inspired to help all children as did the courageous teachers of Sandy Hook. Educators deserve such admiration and respect for the responsibilities they assume every day to advance the knowledge, preserve the safety, and sustain the self-esteem of our young.

One of the gifts I received for Christmas was Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity by Andrew Solomon. It is a 700 page tome but written with such sensitivity and beautiful language that you don’t realize how much you have read.  You can bop around the book and read the chapters of high interest first but may be surprised by those you didn’t expect to relate to and do.  The stories shared are particularly compelling. What resonated for me was the responsibility all of us have when using language.

I love language.  It has consumed my life’s work. And at night I play Words with Friends to come up with words when confined to a limited number of letters.  It is such a fun challenge. We use words every day.  Remember that old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?” But they do.  Solomon shares so many comments parents hear from professionals, family and friends.  It is almost unbelievable to think that people would really say these things.  But they do.  We teach children with social communication issues how to think about others:  how to walk in their shoes so that our words don’t hurt.  But highly educated professionals?  Relatives who love you?  Best friends?  What causes them to use words that are insensitive albeit perhaps accurate descriptors?

We need to teach empathy.  I always define it as “feeling with” but checked with Webster to be precise:  the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully in an objectively explicit manner. One does not have to have a child with a disability to understand the anxiety a parent may feel.  Even if one studies disabling conditions and is an expert who’s seen hundreds of cases, one needs to appreciate that for parents it is their precious child.  It is not unlike the perennial philosophic debate between knowledge and wisdom, the latter being driven beyond learning to include experience and emotion.

Language and feelings are inextricably linked in compassionate communication.  As the first month of this new year comes to an end, may we all resolve to use words with wisdom.


Dr. Blanche Podhajski, president and founder of the Stern Center, has over 30 years experience working with individuals with learning differences. She teaches and consults with educators throughout the country and is a frequent presenter at regional and national conferences.