You Have Beautiful Lipstick

by Julie Erdelyi 

What do greetings really do for us? They are a social convention we expect, but one that has become so routine—a head nod, a single word—that I wonder why we keep using them. Of course greetings are a social courtesy we extend to others, but they have the potential to be so much more.

I teach children who have autism. The experiences with my students have shown me how important a greeting can be when it rises above the ordinary. It’s then that the greetings become an acknowledgement that we are thought about and cared about by others. Let me tell you what I mean.

First there was Jackie, a teenage girl with Retts Syndrome, who would rock and smile and yell enthusiastically when I said hello to her. Here she was, unable to walk, unable to speak and she was so happy to see me. I thought, “I have got to lighten up! There is not a single challenge I face that comes anywhere close to what Jackie copes with every day and she is smiling at me.”

The following year, I met Bryan. He greeted me with, “You have beautiful lipstick.” By now I was beginning to notice that sometimes the autism way of doing things can be much better than the generally accepted way. I certainly found, “You have beautiful lipstick” much more appealing than a simple “hi.” Wouldn’t you?

During that same year, I also worked with Kevin. One day I walked into the classroom and Kevin said, “Quack.” I could not help myself—I immediately burst out laughing. “Ms Erdelyi, why are you laughing?” So I said, “Kevin, do you know you just quacked like a duck?” With a wide smile he replied, “Yes,” and I replied, “Well, that’s funny!” Yet another example of a greeting that tickled my funny bone in a way that a simple “hello” never accomplished.

One evening at a school carnival I ran into another student, George, who I had seen an hour and a half earlier when school let out for the day. Recognizing me in the cafeteria, George chimed, “Ms Erdelyi, hi! I missed you!” as he encircled me with his arms. My children were with me at the time and his animated greeting gave them a lasting impression of me as the world’s most loved teacher. I was beaming.

What if the way we greet says something about how much we care? Is it possible that I say “hi” in a much sunnier way to someone I like? If that is true than perhaps the greetings of people with autism—as unconventional as they may seem—are their ways of telling us how much they like us.
 
Children with autism easily recognize people who understand their thinking and those who do not. It is as natural to them as breathing. What’s unique or different about these kids is only the way in which they communicate this understanding.

Suddenly a world of understanding about my students opened up before me in a way I had never before noticed. And I decided I liked this autism way of thinking oh so much! As it turned out, I had much to learn from the range of greetings offered by my students.

Julie Erdelyi, M.A., is an Autism Specialist and Communication Services Program Manager at the Stern Center. She provides evaluations, consultation and instruction. Julie has extensive experience as a Special Educator and Autism Specialist designing and implementing academic instruction, proactive behavior intervention plans and social thinking instruction for elementary school students who have Autism Spectrum Disorders.